Things are progressing quite nicely in my life right now. I’m not where I want to be, but I like where this is going.
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Just a lil’ pick-me-up.
When you love someone you want what is best for them. When they are down you want to take their troubles away, when they are lost you want to show them the way.
I hate seeing you at such a crossroads, but if you follow your heart I know you will make the right decision and one that means the most to you. I have never lost faith in you.
So in times like these, I hope you know that I love you with all my heart. I’m always going to be on your team.
xoxo
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untitled
I’m giving up on this “finding love” thing for a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even worthy of it, or if I have a fear of intimacy. I’m not good at telling people how I feel. I don’t think that I like feeling vulnerable and open to rejection.
That and I’ve got to buckle down and focus on making something of myself. I’m almost 24. Enough wasting time.
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Tags: love
7/25/2009
First things first; I have officially been given a clean bill of health! I am still considered high-risk, so as an extra precaution I am still going to receive the I-131 Ablation Therapy on Tuesday.
I am moving into a new apartment on August 1st with my friend Becca. We are both so excited. She currently lives alone and I’m living under my Grandparent’s roof. Seems that getting on your feet always takes longer than one would think. I have been here since January 20th, and it was only supposed to be for a month or two.
My living situation has definitely put a strain on the relationship between me and my grandmother. I hope that once I move out things can go back to normal. At the rate I am going, the only people I’ll have sitting on my side of the wedding will be friends and my father’s side of the family. [And of course my mom and my brother.]
Often when one parent passes away, that side of the family stops keeping in contact after a while. It is nice that through everything they have reached out to me and Colin and always kept us included in family outings and holidays. I feel as though my mother’s side of the family (with the exception of my dear Grandfather) is punishing us for my mother’s actions. Who could really blame her? I wish I had known years ago what her side of the family was truly like. I think I could have avoided a lot of hurt feelings.
Tomorrow is a huge “cousins reunion” for my dad’s side of the family. Colin won’t be able to go, since he still lives in Georgia. Some family I haven’t seen in 3 and a half years; not since his wake. It’s always a little strange going to family parties without my father. Subconsciously I keep expecting him to walk out from around the corner and join the party. Brenda still buys ginger ale with him in mind, without even realizing it.
The past couple of weeks I have driven by the cemetery [where my dad's ashes are buried] about four times. It’s out of the way, so I’ve driven by it with the intention of finally going to his grave. I slow down near the entrance, and just as I’m about to make the turn into the cemetery I speed up and keep driving by. I just can’t do it. It will be four years this December and I have never been to his grave. I don’t know why I am putting so much pressure on myself to do it. I feel bad, but why? It’s not like he is expecting me…
I really do miss him terribly. There’s so much I want to share with him. I want to get a great big bear-hug from him and know everything is going to be okay. I want him here to give me and Colin advice and share milestones with us. Sometimes life really isn’t fair at all. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, yet I still question why we had to lose our father at such a young age. I fail to see the “reason” for that. The things I took from this tragedy could have been learned another way, I’m almost positive. When people tell me that it was all a part of “God’s Plan” or, “God had other plans for your father” [as my aunt did at his wake], I still can’t help but snap back with, “Some plan. Leaving his two children to grow up without the love and guidance of their father.”
People in general just need to leave their religious beliefs out of conversation in mixed company. Especially while trying to console someone after the death of a parent.
Maybe someday I will find all the answers I’ve been looking for the past 3 and a half years. Maybe someday soon I will work up the courage to visit Dad’s grave. Maybe it will take a huge weight off of my shoulders…
Maybe.
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Let’s celebrate!
I’m DONE with treatment!
[Pending blood work and an MRI, but let's BE POSITIVE!]
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Light at the end of the tunnel.
Five more days of external beam radiation!
The past two weeks my hair has significantly thinned out and I’ve had many uncomfortable side effects all along, but it’s going to be over Friday. At the end of the month I’m having an I131 Ablation therapy (radioactive iodine). That’s a piece of cake.
It’s been a rough time for me, but I’m looking forward to getting healthy and getting my weight back down again, since I will have energy to exercise.
I’m really needing someone to talk to lately, besides my two usual ‘ears’. Sometimes it’s nice to get someone else’s perspective on things.
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blahblahblah
When did it become shameful to show your emotions and wear your heart on your sleeve? It’s been a rough week, and I could sure use a good cry right about now.
I think I will, and I won’t let anyone tell me that I’m crazy for doing so.
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On the up-and-up.
It’s been a while. Where to begin?
I’m finally working full time. I love my job and the people I work with. It’s certainly nice to be making money again!
Monday through Friday I go to radiation from 7am to 8am at Brigham & Women’s. It’s going fairly well. I’m having some expected side effects such as fatigue, upset stomach, etc. Working full time and being on my feet all day is adding to the fatigue and soreness I’m experiencing, but I have to do what I have to do in order to get healthy again! Anything it takes, right?
Last week I saw my mother for the first time since January. I’ve missed her a lot, so it was nice to go shopping and do girly things. It helped take my mind off of what’s been going on every day. She flew up to help me out with the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life. During the opening ceremony there was a beautiful rainbow across the field. I walked the Survivor’s Lap, which was lead by my favorite high school teacher playing the bag pipes. It was very humbling, especially when I saw the children who had survived or are currently fighting. My team did fairly well for a first year team; we raised almost $800. All 58 teams raised over $270,000! I am so glad to have been a part of that.
Sporting my Survivor t-shirt and medal.
Life at the Newbury Compound Household is almost unbearable when Grandpa isn’t home. Good thing I am hardly ever hear any more. I cannot wait to move out. :]
All in all, things are looking up. I should be done with the external radiation in July, but I will probably have to do another I-131 to cover all the bases.
Until next time,
ME.
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Tags: optimism, radiation, relay for life
Be your own advocate.
Last Friday’s body scan and lymphnode ultrasound shows that I have thyroid cancer metastases in my lymphnodes, lungs, and bones; the most common places for papillary thyroid cancer to metastasize to.
Symptoms of headaches, confusion, changes in vision, behavior changes, and memory problems have prompted my doctor to schedule me for an MRI on Thursday to make sure there are no metastatic brain tumors.
Right now the course of action seems to be External Beam Radiation Therapy as opposed to the I131 I have received in the past. I will know more soon.
I’ve fought the battle before and I am ready to do it again. It’s just so discouraging when you start to feel better from the previous illness, then within a few months you feel your health start to decline. I’m confident in my new doctors, and in my ability to persevere through this disease once again.
I can’t stress to you all enough how important it is to be your own advocate. You know your body. Don’t let the white coats intimidate you. If you feel something is wrong with you and your doctor seems to downplay your symptoms, seek a second opinion (or third, fourth…) until you find some answers about your illness. Had I listened to the many doctors who told me I was too young and never prescribed me thyroid medication early on, which could have prevented cancer in the first place, who knows what would have happened.
Find a doctor who listens to your questions and concerns; someone who doesn’t talk down to you. For too long I assumed that because they have a degree, they obviously know more than I do. However, they don’t know my body on a day to day basis. They don’t know what is normal for ME. It might take a while to find, but there are doctors out there who go above and beyond to get you back to living a normal life.
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Tags: cancer, doctors, medical diagnosis
Life is like a movie.
I very much love riding home at dusk, with the quiet light, and just zoning out… makes me feel like I’m in a movie. Sometimes there is nothing more exhilarating than feeling like anyone could be watching; or everyone… when really you’re all alone. And the perfect song starts playing in your ear at the most climactic moment. That’s when everything seems to come together and it all makes sense for the time being. I find this happens to me quite often…..
To be continued….
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