blahblahblah

04Jul09

When did it become shameful to show your emotions and wear your heart on your sleeve? It’s been a rough week, and I could sure use a good cry right about now.

I think I will, and I won’t let anyone tell me that I’m crazy for doing so.

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On the up-and-up.

19Jun09

It’s been a while. Where to begin?

I’m finally working full time. I love my job and the people I work with. It’s certainly nice to be making money again!

Monday through Friday I go to radiation from 7am to 8am at Brigham & Women’s. It’s going fairly well. I’m having some expected side effects such as fatigue, upset stomach, etc. Working full time and being on my feet all day is adding to the fatigue and soreness I’m experiencing, but I have to do what I have to do in order to get healthy again! Anything it takes, right?

Last week I saw my mother for the first time since January. I’ve missed her a lot, so it was nice to go shopping and do girly things. It helped take my mind off of what’s been going on every day. She flew up to help me out with the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life. During the opening ceremony there was a beautiful rainbow across the field.  I walked the Survivor’s Lap, which was lead by my favorite high school teacher playing the bag pipes. It was very humbling, especially when I saw the children who had survived or are currently fighting. My team did fairly well for a first year team; we raised almost $800. All 58 teams raised over $270,000! I am so glad to have been a part of that.

Sporting my Survivor t-shirt and medal.

Life at the Newbury Compound Household is almost unbearable when Grandpa isn’t home. Good thing I am hardly ever hear any more. I cannot wait to move out. :]

All in all, things are looking up. I should be done with the external radiation in July, but I will probably have to do another I-131 to cover all the bases.

Until next time,

ME.

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Tags: optimism, radiation, relay for life

Be your own advocate.

05May09

Last Friday’s body scan and lymphnode ultrasound shows that I have thyroid cancer metastases in my lymphnodes, lungs, and bones;  the most common places for papillary thyroid cancer to metastasize to.

Symptoms of headaches, confusion, changes in vision, behavior changes, and memory problems have prompted my doctor to schedule me for an MRI on Thursday to make sure there are no metastatic brain tumors.

Right now the course of action seems to be External Beam Radiation Therapy as opposed to the I131 I have received in the past.  I will know more soon.

I’ve fought the battle before and I am ready to do it again. It’s just so discouraging when you start to feel better from the previous illness, then within a few months you feel your health start to decline. I’m confident in my new doctors, and in my ability to persevere through this disease once again.

I can’t stress to you all enough how important it is to be your own advocate. You know your body. Don’t let the white coats intimidate you. If you feel something is wrong with you and your doctor seems to downplay your symptoms, seek a second opinion (or third, fourth…) until you find some answers about your illness. Had I listened to the many doctors who told me I was too young and never prescribed me thyroid medication early on, which could have prevented cancer in the first place, who knows what would have happened.

Find a doctor who listens to your questions and concerns; someone who doesn’t talk down to you. For too long I assumed that because they have a degree, they obviously know more than I do. However, they don’t know my body on a day to day basis. They don’t know what is normal for ME. It might take a while to find, but there are doctors out there who go above and beyond to  get you back to living a normal life.

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Tags: cancer, doctors, medical diagnosis

Life is like a movie.

06Apr09

I very much love riding home at dusk, with the quiet light, and just zoning out… makes me feel like I’m in a movie.  Sometimes there is nothing more exhilarating than feeling like anyone could be watching; or everyone… when really you’re all alone. And the perfect song starts playing in your ear at the most climactic moment. That’s when everything seems to come together and it all makes sense for the time being. I find this happens to me quite often…..

To be continued….

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Tags: random

Idle hands…

24Mar09

I am really glad that I am not in Georgia any more.  Having a lot of time on my hands lately has started to bring back some old problems and bad habits. In Georgia I had a lot of connects, any drug I wanted I could obtain in a matter of hours.

I’m glad that isn’t the case here. I have a perscription for Xanax, but I’ve been taking too much of it lately. Days that I feel I need an extra “release”, I’ve been crushing it up and snorting it again.

In Georgia the drugs were a plenty. I had a brief stint with cocaine. I much prefered MDMA, Xanax, barbituates, weed, mushrooms, acid…

With help from a friend, I came to my senses and removed myself from those situations. Now I am under so much stress and a lot of pressure; I’m finding myself wanting to get back into that lifestyle. I was never addicted to those drugs, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy them. It was a nice escape.

In time I hope these urges fade. My new insurance policy does not cover mental health, but I’m considering dipping into the trust fund. My depression and anxiety is getting the worst of me again, and having a lot of difficult things on my plate is not helping the situation.

I need help, before I do anything stupid.

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Seeing Yourself

17Feb09

It’s a tough thing to do. I wonder if I would like myself if I could really see what I’m like through someone else’s eyes. In lies the problem. I can’t. So what I do is think too much about what other people think about me. That’s one thing that really bums me out about myself. That I actually give a shit what other people think. You know how many times people feel that they have the right to judge me and talk to me about how I am. Here’s an idea: TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF. Am I the crazy one? Or are people just unaware of themselves?

So, growing up is what I think is happening to me. I’m less concerned about other peoples’ feelings these days. I think a lot about my dad and how he used to say “My way or the highway.” There’s a lot to be said for that statement. What he’s basically saying is, “I’ve done it other peoples’ way my whole life, now it’s time to live by my rules when you’re around me.”

I’m not going to be afraid to say what I feel, and I’m going to pretty much do what I want. What I want to do is do the whole “my way or the highway” thing, but now. Not when I’m 50 years old. People don’t like confrontation. [I know I don't. I hate it. I try and do everything in my power to avoid it.] I think I’m going to switch it up. Not by calling people out. Just by doing what I want to do and saying what I want to say.

It gets a little complicated because you don’t want to hurt peoples’ feelings. But I think it’s really necessary to say things that need to be said. Stand up for what you believe in. Even if it means you’re going to have to deal with the whole confrontation thing.

The whole thing’s a process, but I’m for sure going to work on it. I might actually like confrontations. I just haven’t had enough practice.

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-25 Pounds

10Dec08

25 lbs heavier

The journey to becoming overweight was a quick one. I didn’t take my Synthroid for three months so my body wasn’t producing any of the necessary hormones to keep my metabolism functioning. Pair that with having no job and little exercise from being so fatigued; I got fat.

Unfortunately weight loss is something that takes time. However when I stepped on the scale today, which I NEVER do, I was taken aback. I immediately went home and took pictures of myself to compare them to pictures of myself when I wasn’t taking my Synthroid or exercising regularly.

Now I am getting on the right track, slowly but surely. My thyroid levels are not where they need to be and I am constantly visiting my endocrinologist. I do feel a lot better than I did before, but it’s a slow process and frankly, I still feel like shit.

My biopsy results are still not in, and I’m not confident that my growths are benign.  For now I’m keeping my fingers crossed and trying not to worry about it.

Today at the gym I actually RAN for the first time in Lord knows how long. It felt great! I even did some sprints and leaped every 10 strides. I had a great workout today and I’m really feeling a lot better about myself.

I’m posting the pictures I took today. It’s unbelievable. I was in complete denial before about my weight, but now I can finally see the difference. Even my legs are looking better! Horseback riding and softball gave me some large calves and gaining weight didn’t help that. Now I actually like the shape of them and will probably be wearing more dresses.

I’m very proud of myself. I don’t plan on becoming skin and bones. I’d just like to trim down a little more and then maintain my feminine physique.

NOTE TO SELF: Awesome job, keep up the good work.

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Tags: weightloss

My Crucible.

04Dec08

At some point in the not too distant past something quite odd struck me. I am happy. I am happy with being away from school, I am happy with the friends that I have, I am happy with the relationship that I don’t have. I am happy. I’m not content or just getting by – but I am happy. My life isn’t ideal and I do not have everything that I want, but there is nothing I want that is so terrible that I can’t live without. Most importantly, I have everything I need.

Looking back, everything seemed so turbulent. My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my actions; all so unpredictable and uneasy. Now, everything is calm, everything is quiet. For so many years all I wanted was for it to be quiet and now it is.
The only way I can really explain it is this: imagine spending the majority of your life at an outdoor rock concert with multiple bands playing on different stages simultaneously. Imagine that you hear all of the bands playing, all of the chatter of the people there. Imagine you see all of the booths selling merchandise, food and other assorted goods. All you’ve wanted all of your life was to leave this concert but everything there was too overhwleming; too many sights, too many sounds, too much of everything, all so confusing. Then somehow the concert ends, the bands leave, the other people leave, the booths are folded up and gone. Now, all that’s left is peace and quiet. All that’s left is YOU. Now instead of fighting the overwhelming sights and sounds you always have, you can do what ever you want. You can stay, you can leave. Your decisions are no longer influenced by what you cannot control. It is just you, an empty field, and endless possibilities.

That’s how I feel. The concert is over and I made it out. During the chaos I was fortunate enough to meet some amazing people and make some great friends. I was able to live, to learn. Now that the concert is over it’s so much easier to think. Yet somehow it is more difficult to feel. I became so accustomed to such a great spectrum of emotion that sometimes I get to thinking that I don’t feel anymore. But it’s not that, it’s that I am not feeling anything and everything all at once. It’s like a dam was built allowing only the necessary information through. It’s calm. It’s quiet. I like that.

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Tags: anxiety, depression