7/25/2009

25Jul09

First things first; I have officially been given a clean bill of health! I am still considered high-risk, so as an extra precaution I am still going to receive the I-131 Ablation Therapy on Tuesday.

I am moving into a new apartment on August 1st with my friend Becca. We are both so excited. She currently lives alone and I’m living under my Grandparent’s roof. Seems that getting on your feet always takes longer than one would think. I have been here since January 20th, and it was only supposed to be for a month or two.

My living situation has definitely put a strain on the relationship between me and my grandmother. I hope that once I move out things can go back to normal. At the rate I am going, the only people I’ll have sitting on my side of the wedding will be friends and my father’s side of the family. [And of course my mom and my brother.]

Often when one parent passes away, that side of the family stops keeping in contact after a while. It is nice that through everything they have reached out to me and Colin and always kept us included in family outings and holidays. I feel as though my mother’s side of the family (with the exception of my dear Grandfather) is punishing us for my mother’s actions. Who could really blame her? I wish I had known years ago what her side of the family was truly like. I think I could have avoided a lot of hurt feelings.

Tomorrow is a huge “cousins reunion” for my dad’s side of the family. Colin won’t be able to go, since he still lives in Georgia. Some family I haven’t seen in 3 and a half years; not since his wake. It’s always a little strange going to family parties without my father. Subconsciously I keep expecting him to walk out from around the corner and join the party. Brenda still buys ginger ale with him in mind, without even realizing it.

The past couple of weeks I have driven by the cemetery [where my dad's ashes are buried] about four times. It’s out of the way, so I’ve driven by it with the intention of finally going to his grave. I slow down near the entrance, and just as I’m about to make the turn into the cemetery I speed up and keep driving by. I just can’t do it. It will be four years this December and I have never been to his grave. I don’t know why I am putting so much pressure on myself to do it. I feel bad, but why? It’s not like he is expecting me…

I really do miss him terribly. There’s so much I want to share with him. I want to get a great big bear-hug from him and know everything is going to be okay. I want him here to give me and Colin advice and share milestones with us. Sometimes life really isn’t fair at all. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, yet I still question why we had to lose our father at such a young age. I fail to see the “reason” for that. The things I took from this tragedy could have been learned another way, I’m almost positive. When people tell me that it was all a part of “God’s Plan” or, “God had other plans for your father” [as my aunt did at his wake], I still can’t help but snap back with, “Some plan. Leaving his two children to grow up without the love and guidance of their father.”

People in general just need to leave their religious beliefs out of conversation in mixed company. Especially while trying to console someone after the death of a parent.

Maybe someday I will find all the answers I’ve been looking for the past 3 and a half years. Maybe someday soon I will work up the courage to visit Dad’s grave. Maybe it will take a huge weight off of my shoulders…

Maybe.

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