A little release for you
And the time we shared
For the promise you’d never deliver to me
A little release for you
And the declaration you dropped on me
Like a bomb
A moment of silence please
I can’t release all of you
All these marks you’ve left
Leave me drowning
In all your graffiti
My insides they stretch
To unknot themselves
Untie the mess you’ve made

Oh what does it matter anyway?
The wall will fall down one day
I don’t know why I stick around
When you’re always skipping town
On myself
On you
On everything I do
You it’s true

A little release for you
And the chance you took
On a moment you’d never remember
A little release for you and the shame you caused
That pushed me away from you
What’d you expect me to do?

I let you become far too much of me
Defining my phrases and faces
And somewhere along the way
I lost the nerve
The nerve to say

That I deserve better than you
And you always knew that was true
Oh but what can you do, what can you do
I don’t know why I stick around
When you always skip town
On myself
On you
On everything I do
You it’s true

I finally let go of all of you
And the impact has slowly recovered itself
I’ve let go of all of you
And the games you played
That kept me away from the truth
How much of what you said was true?

Reading the countless public and private accounts of this so-called relationship with N, I’ve realized yet again that I am indeed done. For YEARS I have tried to fit him into the equation. I don’t recall a time when I was ever put into his.

I found myself missing him the other night, but come morning those feelings dissipated.

Now more than ever, I am realizing how much time I’ve wasted while I was blind to his lies. Those late night calls and promises, they didn’t mean a thing. Still, I can’t say that I regret any of this. It’s taught me to never lose sight of what I deserve. I will no longer waste my time on any one.

Someone that loves you isn’t going to call and tell you sweet words you’ve been needing to hear, then go find a girlfriend a few days later. They’re not going to drift in and out and be there for you when it’s convenient for them. All of those wonderful things he said to me sent me soaring. You know what? They will make me feel a million times better coming from a man who means it.

My brother said it best:

You’re my sister and I love you. You deserve the fucking world. You deserve to be treated like a princess, not left on the back burner. You deserve nothing but the best… don’t settle for anything but that.

He may be younger, but he sure is wise beyond his years.

He’d be proud to know how well I’m dealing with this the past few months. Since getting over N, I’m noticing people that I never thought twice about before. It’s very refreshing.

It’s only a matter of time before he breaks her heart, too. And when he does, I won’t be the fall-back girl any more.

So, tonight I think I’ll go through iPhoto and put every picture of you into a separate folder if I ever feel the need to see your face next to mine again someday. I don’t want that reminder there every day. Every little token of the past is already in a black box in the closet.

Ready, set… let go…

I feel that is true of a certain someone in my life. Just when I think he’s changed, he’s charming every girl he lays eyes on. Yet I am supposed to believe that all of the sweet things he’s said, all of the affection with me has all been genuine.

Living so far apart is hard. I am scared to tell him that I love him because of this. Will it scare him off? Does he feel the same? I’m scared of how it will be received. If I hide how I feel, he is going to think I’m indifferent and may look for someone who is clearly into him. His intentions may not be anything more than friendship with everyone else, but who’s to say that he won’t seek anything more out of it?

Fuck.

Fiddling with my new camera. I like the way this came out.

I hate seeing you at such a crossroads, but if you follow your heart I know you will make the right decision and one that means the most to you. I have never lost faith in you.

So in times like these, I hope you know that I love you with all my heart. I’m always going to be on your team.

xoxo

That and I’ve got to buckle down and focus on making something of myself. I’m almost 24. Enough wasting time.

I am moving into a new apartment on August 1st with my friend Becca. We are both so excited. She currently lives alone and I’m living under my Grandparent’s roof. Seems that getting on your feet always takes longer than one would think. I have been here since January 20th, and it was only supposed to be for a month or two.

My living situation has definitely put a strain on the relationship between me and my grandmother. I hope that once I move out things can go back to normal. At the rate I am going, the only people I’ll have sitting on my side of the wedding will be friends and my father’s side of the family. [And of course my mom and my brother.]

Often when one parent passes away, that side of the family stops keeping in contact after a while. It is nice that through everything they have reached out to me and Colin and always kept us included in family outings and holidays. I feel as though my mother’s side of the family (with the exception of my dear Grandfather) is punishing us for my mother’s actions. Who could really blame her? I wish I had known years ago what her side of the family was truly like. I think I could have avoided a lot of hurt feelings.

Tomorrow is a huge “cousins reunion” for my dad’s side of the family. Colin won’t be able to go, since he still lives in Georgia. Some family I haven’t seen in 3 and a half years; not since his wake. It’s always a little strange going to family parties without my father. Subconsciously I keep expecting him to walk out from around the corner and join the party. Brenda still buys ginger ale with him in mind, without even realizing it.

The past couple of weeks I have driven by the cemetery [where my dad's ashes are buried] about four times. It’s out of the way, so I’ve driven by it with the intention of finally going to his grave. I slow down near the entrance, and just as I’m about to make the turn into the cemetery I speed up and keep driving by. I just can’t do it. It will be four years this December and I have never been to his grave. I don’t know why I am putting so much pressure on myself to do it. I feel bad, but why? It’s not like he is expecting me…

I really do miss him terribly. There’s so much I want to share with him. I want to get a great big bear-hug from him and know everything is going to be okay. I want him here to give me and Colin advice and share milestones with us. Sometimes life really isn’t fair at all. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, yet I still question why we had to lose our father at such a young age. I fail to see the “reason” for that. The things I took from this tragedy could have been learned another way, I’m almost positive. When people tell me that it was all a part of “God’s Plan” or, “God had other plans for your father” [as my aunt did at his wake], I still can’t help but snap back with, “Some plan. Leaving his two children to grow up without the love and guidance of their father.”

People in general just need to leave their religious beliefs out of conversation in mixed company. Especially while trying to console someone after the death of a parent.

Maybe someday I will find all the answers I’ve been looking for the past 3 and a half years. Maybe someday soon I will work up the courage to visit Dad’s grave. Maybe it will take a huge weight off of my shoulders…

Maybe.

[Pending blood work and an MRI, but let's BE POSITIVE!]

The past two weeks my hair has significantly thinned out and I’ve had many uncomfortable side effects all along, but it’s going to be over Friday. At the end of the month I’m having an I131 Ablation therapy (radioactive iodine). That’s a piece of cake.

It’s been a rough time for me, but I’m looking forward to getting healthy and getting my weight back down again, since I will have energy to exercise.

I’m really needing someone to talk to lately, besides my two usual ‘ears’. Sometimes it’s nice to get someone else’s perspective on things.